It occurred to me recently that my feelings about makeup are actually related in some strange way to my feelings about book promotion. I will try to tease out this strange connection here.
When I began writing, I had this idea that I was a writer. That is, I was not a salesman. I was not an entertainer. I was not a speaker. I was not a movie star or a rock star. I was not a motivator for kids. I was a writer. What do writers do? Well, they pretty much sit in their dark caves and produce incredible manuscripts at whatever interval the muse allows. And they don't make much money, either. I had no illusions about becoming rich by being a writer.
But imagine my surprise when it turned out that besides actually writing a manuscript, there was a list of other jobs that writers were expected to do. Now, perhaps this has always been true. Certainly Shakespeare promoted his plays. Even Jane Austen dedicated a book to the Prince when she didn't want to, because of publicity reasons. Goethe didn't mind using his fame from Werther in later life. So this was likely a misapprehension caused by literature classes that simply didn't care about teaching about the reality of writing, only the product.
It turns out that I should be doing signings, school visits, attending conferences, speaking to teachers, blogging, tweeting, facebooking, making book trailers, having publicity photos shot, doing midnight parties at book releases, and thinking about my books being made into movies. It's not that I am unwilling to do these things to be successful. But it seems like they have nothing to do with the quality of the book. I know this because as a consumer of books, it turns out the hype very rarely means anything. Yes, I enjoyed Harry Potter. But I love The Thief series even more and no one screams or talks about making movies about those. And they are perfect books.
So, back to makeup.
I used to wear makeup. Not every day. I was one of those kids who was very erratic. I would wear sweats to school half the time. Well, most of the time. Jeans and a real shirt if I was feeling especially dressy. But I also had some fantastic dresses that I would put on for dances and then I would do makeup all the way. I'd spend hours on my hair and put on nylons and heels. And get pictures taken.
But after a while, it felt like there was a disjunction. I mean, there WAS a disjunction, but it bothered me later. The me who feels like me felt like she was being covered up. Sometimes she looked better than she really did. A lot of the times worse. I started (and am still) looking for a seamless blend of who I feel like inside and what I look like outside. I want to look good, but not fake. Not like a movie star. I want to look like I am 39, a mother of 5, and a writer. So when people sometimes tell me I look too young, or how can I have that many kids, it feels like a criticism of the appearance I am sending out. I want to look authentic.
I suppose I want the same thing from my books. I want them to look like what they are inside. I want the book cover to represent what is inside the book, and the title, as well. I want the publicity to accurately portray the sort of adventure that readers will find inside. I want people who meet me at a signing or an event to get a glimpse of who I really am and what kind of books I write. This is tricky to do. Maybe it is impossible. Probably it is part of the reason that I am so terrified of these events. I want to show who I really am, and this is a difficult thing to do.